Echoes
themes and battles always come back around to meet you. here i meet you a bit older, but certainly still impatient and stubborn as ever:) seguirme que él dice. "Take me or leave me, don’t have to believe me. All the words I have to say, all the songs that fly away. Take me or leave me, believe me good will come. will you come to me like a summers day?……i will sing again." martin smith sang this to me in my old band mate/friend’s room. josh you remember playing this one for me? you always wanted to send a message to me in song cause you knew i’d receive it. well i’m singing again. been 5 years since i lead on stage. i lead with my husband back then. you don’t realize how wild sometimes your life gets until you state that last sentence. i lead a couple weekends ago for the first time since those days. well folks, yes that evening i did make a serious blunder that could not be disguised-haha. but you know what i have realized? no more do i let my pride completely get the best of me. but oh how it tries:) music in my life was always a dangerous area that pride would so illusively swoop in. pride prevents us from enjoying some of the most wonderful things. some of the simplest things of life can be thwarted in an instant by pride. hmmm…learning babe. haha. so much more to go….
“Beware of harking back to what you once were, when you are destined to be something you have never been” Oswald Chambers (I think you have to be wise if your name is Oswald;)
it’s been a hard year to say the least. a lot of disappointments and heartaches arose from this year. but you know what? i still wouldn’t have had it any other way. ridiculous as it is, the amount of tears and anger that rose from time to time. i lived and dove in heart first. and i have had so much joy here as well. we are all such beautiful and broken people. we’re so screwy, and corky, and utterly ridiculous. i’m smiling now. thinking of each memory. thanks for being a part of my year. a part of my story in nyc. it’s not over of course. but it will start anew in september and i hope all of you will be written on those new crisp pages.
so i remind myself of my own words…. (oh hosea 9/30/2007)
so suffering always comes along-but enduring it one can find joy on the other side. but the most troublesome of all suffering is the suffering we self inflict. whether its pride, or fear, or selfishness and greed, we can create our own little hell if we’re not careful. after all, we don’t need the help of this world’s atrocities and shit to make us miserable-we are fully capable of creating our own misery. so with that sentiment where do i go? well what would it be like if our perspective took a 180? what would it look like to make some "healthy" decisions-instead of perhaps my haphazard trial by error? what if i told you that this too shall pass? it is only but for a season. could we endure? what if i said i would share in your burden? help carry the load. would you let me? what if i said i would love you even if you spit in my face? would you think me foolish?
i love you and want to love you in the best way i know. if that means serving you a meal-i will try to feed you. if that means keeping my distance for a time or forever so as to not hinder your heart and life’s direction i will love you from a far. if it means sharing words of affirmation i will try to impart those messages of encouragement.
if you would be patient with me and i with you my friend, my brother, my sister, my mother, my love…..change can come.
