My Blog

my heart has been groaning.  so much shit that mucks up what is beautiful and originally pure.  and you all know that i am not one to curse unless i am extremely passionate about the injustice or the ugliness of the atrocity that has been in my midst.  Lord knows i try to understand what perhaps is not meant to be understood.  i just hurt.  these past two days i have seen and heard so much that has brought my heart so much heaviness i truly have cried.  some are friends, some are strangers, some i have had in my heart for years and some have only taken residency for a few moments.  but nonetheless i have cried and felt that burden for their lives and their heartache. 

so suffering always comes along-but enduring it one can find joy on the other side.  but the most troublesome of all suffering is the suffering we self inflict. whether its pride, or fear, or selfishness and greed, we can create our own little hell if we’re not careful.  after all, we don’t need the help of this world’s atrocities and shit to make us miserable-we are fully capable of creating our own misery.  so with that sentiment where do i go?  well what would it be like if our perspective took a 180?  what would it look like to make some "healthy" decisions-instead of perhaps my haphazard trial by error?  what if i told you that this too shall pass?  it is only but for a season?  could we endure?  what if i said i would share in your burden?  help carry the load?  would you let me?  what if i said i would love you even if you spit in my face?  would you think me foolish?    

i love you and want to love you in the best way i know.  if that means serving you a meal-i will try to feed you.  if that means keeping my distance for a time or forever so as to not hinder your heart and life’s direction i will love you from a far.  if it means sharing words of affirmation i will try to impart those messages of encouragement. 

if you would be patient with me and i with you my friend, my brother, my sister, my mother, my love…..change can come 

home alone.  it’s been nice to have "emily time" as i like to call it=)  it was a good day that God gave me.  when in fact this day can be a bit rough around the edges.  church i needed today.  the woman who spoke just hit that part of me that my eyes just can’t help but release emotion.  people around me i’m sure would think of me silly-tears streaming down my cheeks and yet i have a smile on my face.  here is a woman who found where her heart was beckoned to the nth degree.  how beautiful when the gift you are given can be utilized for such a great purpose.  her gift being business and a heart for those behind prison walls.  it never ceases to amaze me that when we have our ears perked and our eyes open-we could be called at any moment to do things that we never thought of, imagined, or thought possible.  here was a woman obedient to what her heart/God called her to-that is admirable and beautiful.  it just makes me more alert to my own life.  there is something underway-something hard, perhaps heart wrenching, perhaps exciting, but no doubt wonderful ahead.  you have those notions?  tell me your thoughts. 

maybe its time for sleep?  ….. nope not yet=) 

i must say i love what i have already learned as i have met such unique and wonderful people here.  thanks for sharing a part of your life, your world, your perspective with me.  it’s cool.  i’m smiling as i think of some of the things i’ve seen, done, and shared with you.  i was doing my usual listening of my personal sound track-rockin’ it out on the train instead of the usual nyc unaffected stare into nothingness and the lovely person across from me was doing the exact same thing-i was grinning ear to ear and wanted to give them the head nod of approval, in fact i may have-i am a dork and i am quite alright with that! peace to you.

do not be afraid.