My Blog

if you ever have the chance to meet my mother, you would have the chance to meet a wonderful woman.  sure she has her faults, like the rest of us, but man does she have a heart that pours out. 

she has come a long way in her life.  a woman who lost her whole immediate family way too soon.  lost her husband and struggled to find her way on her own with all her brokenness.  lost her home and lived in 3 different shelters for about 3 years of her life.  i remember the first time i picked up my mother from the roughest part of town in cincy (the final shelter she resided in).  oh Lord, i cannot even tell you how i felt at the time.  my heart just so heavy and broken. 

but you know what, in all her weakness, she is an amazingly strong woman, with so much to give.  she pours out until she is depleted just to have those that she loves know just how much she would give to see those loves rise each day knowing they are cherished beyond anything that can be measured. 

here is a woman who cannot work any longer, lives incredibly humbly, and still gives immeasurably more than i.  yesterday i received a package from her, with 2 dresses for my trip:)  they are so beautiful and i know she truly cannot afford to purchase such frivolous items.  but she does anyway, and for me to not accept them would hurt her more.  i will wear them proudly on my trip and take a picture just for my mom to know how much i appreciated her thoughtfulness and care. 

i’m so thankful for her love.  i have hurt her so much throughout these years and she still pours out love to me.  although i am horrible at showing it, i love her so much.  i try each day to learn how to best love her and honor her.  i’m a bit slow to say the least…..      

One morning in one of my best professional suits and heels, stepping out of the tunnel and rising to the street my patent leather heel caught on a piece of trash. I went sailing to the ground with great force. The next thing I knew a gathering of passerby’s are hovering around me as I lie there on the ground, angry, crying, hurt, and incredibly embarrassed. My roommate one of the folks hovering:) Finally, after many people asking if I needed anything and finding no response from me as I cried. There trying to gather myself, one sweet hovering man asked, “would you like us to leave you alone” and I finally replied, “yes, thank you. I will be ok.” Oh pride. Haha. Two red, scraped up hands, a scrape on my shin, a nice bruise forming on my knee, and yes a scrape on my left cheek (on my face thank you). Haha:) Side note: as I was on the ground I pointed at the piece of trash and in great disdain I cursed it aloud!! One of the hoverer’s subtly walked over to the cursed trash, picked it up and placed it in the garbage can near by. Thank you man. Haha!

My year could be summed up in one word, humility.

"Let circumstances bring you where they will, keep drawing on the grace of God in every conceivable condition you may be in. One of the greatest proofs that you are drawing on the grace of God is that you can be humiliated without manifesting the slightest trace of anything but His grace." Oswald Chambers

Aw man, yeah I’m gonna keep trying. Grace for you, grace for me. Can I gracefully fall?

themes and battles always come back around to meet you.  here i meet you a bit older, but certainly still impatient and stubborn as ever:)  seguirme que él dice.  "Take me or leave me, don’t have to believe me.  All the words I have to say, all the songs that fly away. Take me or leave me, believe me good will come.  will you come to me like a summers day?……i will sing again."  martin smith sang this to me in my old band mate/friend’s room.  josh you remember playing this one for me?  you always wanted to send a message to me in song cause you knew i’d receive it.  well i’m singing again.  been 5 years since i lead on stage.  i lead with my husband back then.  you don’t realize how wild sometimes your life gets until you state that last sentence.  i lead a couple weekends ago for the first time since those days.  well folks, yes that evening i did make a serious blunder that could not be disguised-haha.  but you know what i have realized? no more do i let my pride completely get the best of me.  but oh how it tries:)  music in my life was always a dangerous area that pride would so illusively swoop in.  pride prevents us from enjoying some of the most wonderful things.  some of the simplest things of life can be thwarted in an instant by pride.  hmmm…learning babe.  haha.  so much more to go…. 

“Beware of harking back to what you once were, when you are destined to be something you have never been” Oswald Chambers (I think you have to be wise if your name is Oswald;)

it’s been a hard year to say the least.  a lot of disappointments and heartaches arose from this year.  but you know what?  i still wouldn’t have had it any other way.  ridiculous as it is, the amount of tears and anger that rose from time to time.  i lived and dove in heart first.  and i have had so much joy here as well.  we are all such beautiful and broken people.  we’re so screwy, and corky, and utterly ridiculous.  i’m smiling now.  thinking of each memory.  thanks for being a part of my year.  a part of my story in nyc.  it’s not over of course.  but it will start anew in september and i hope all of you will be written on those new crisp pages. 

so i remind myself of my own words…. (oh hosea 9/30/2007)

so suffering always comes along-but enduring it one can find joy on the other side.  but the most troublesome of all suffering is the suffering we self inflict. whether its pride, or fear, or selfishness and greed, we can create our own little hell if we’re not careful.  after all, we don’t need the help of this world’s atrocities and shit to make us miserable-we are fully capable of creating our own misery.  so with that sentiment where do i go?  well what would it be like if our perspective took a 180?  what would it look like to make some "healthy" decisions-instead of perhaps my haphazard trial by error?  what if i told you that this too shall pass?  it is only but for a season.  could we endure?  what if i said i would share in your burden?  help carry the load.  would you let me?  what if i said i would love you even if you spit in my face?  would you think me foolish?    

i love you and want to love you in the best way i know.  if that means serving you a meal-i will try to feed you.  if that means keeping my distance for a time or forever so as to not hinder your heart and life’s direction i will love you from a far.  if it means sharing words of affirmation i will try to impart those messages of encouragement. 

if you would be patient with me and i with you my friend, my brother, my sister, my mother, my love…..change can come. 

some things never do.  and then again sometimes things can shock you and change in an instant.  but most of the time it is not the latter.  i still echo my last post entitled "oh hosea".  but this thought has been marinating in my brain…

sometimes i imagine in the small towns, where there is nothing but houses upon houses, more land than concrete, bars, and sky scrapers, you can find a sense of calm contentment.  they like their regular diner. they frequent every sunday, and need not go anywhere else.  they are satisfied with maria, the waitress who always serves with a sweet smile and loves to chat about her grand-daughter.  she always encourages you to get your rice pudding that you love so much and you cave every time.  you go home and can rest-no need to be in "the scene".  just being.  but it really has nothing to do with the city. or the place you live.  it has everything to do with whats inside of you and i.     

you need not chase after the next exciting thing.  you are desirous of nothing but what is right here and now.  just being. love and loved in return.

contentment.

un jour mon ami.

my heart has been groaning.  so much shit that mucks up what is beautiful and originally pure.  and you all know that i am not one to curse unless i am extremely passionate about the injustice or the ugliness of the atrocity that has been in my midst.  Lord knows i try to understand what perhaps is not meant to be understood.  i just hurt.  these past two days i have seen and heard so much that has brought my heart so much heaviness i truly have cried.  some are friends, some are strangers, some i have had in my heart for years and some have only taken residency for a few moments.  but nonetheless i have cried and felt that burden for their lives and their heartache. 

so suffering always comes along-but enduring it one can find joy on the other side.  but the most troublesome of all suffering is the suffering we self inflict. whether its pride, or fear, or selfishness and greed, we can create our own little hell if we’re not careful.  after all, we don’t need the help of this world’s atrocities and shit to make us miserable-we are fully capable of creating our own misery.  so with that sentiment where do i go?  well what would it be like if our perspective took a 180?  what would it look like to make some "healthy" decisions-instead of perhaps my haphazard trial by error?  what if i told you that this too shall pass?  it is only but for a season?  could we endure?  what if i said i would share in your burden?  help carry the load?  would you let me?  what if i said i would love you even if you spit in my face?  would you think me foolish?    

i love you and want to love you in the best way i know.  if that means serving you a meal-i will try to feed you.  if that means keeping my distance for a time or forever so as to not hinder your heart and life’s direction i will love you from a far.  if it means sharing words of affirmation i will try to impart those messages of encouragement. 

if you would be patient with me and i with you my friend, my brother, my sister, my mother, my love…..change can come 

home alone.  it’s been nice to have "emily time" as i like to call it=)  it was a good day that God gave me.  when in fact this day can be a bit rough around the edges.  church i needed today.  the woman who spoke just hit that part of me that my eyes just can’t help but release emotion.  people around me i’m sure would think of me silly-tears streaming down my cheeks and yet i have a smile on my face.  here is a woman who found where her heart was beckoned to the nth degree.  how beautiful when the gift you are given can be utilized for such a great purpose.  her gift being business and a heart for those behind prison walls.  it never ceases to amaze me that when we have our ears perked and our eyes open-we could be called at any moment to do things that we never thought of, imagined, or thought possible.  here was a woman obedient to what her heart/God called her to-that is admirable and beautiful.  it just makes me more alert to my own life.  there is something underway-something hard, perhaps heart wrenching, perhaps exciting, but no doubt wonderful ahead.  you have those notions?  tell me your thoughts. 

maybe its time for sleep?  ….. nope not yet=) 

i must say i love what i have already learned as i have met such unique and wonderful people here.  thanks for sharing a part of your life, your world, your perspective with me.  it’s cool.  i’m smiling as i think of some of the things i’ve seen, done, and shared with you.  i was doing my usual listening of my personal sound track-rockin’ it out on the train instead of the usual nyc unaffected stare into nothingness and the lovely person across from me was doing the exact same thing-i was grinning ear to ear and wanted to give them the head nod of approval, in fact i may have-i am a dork and i am quite alright with that! peace to you.

do not be afraid.      

I hit a wall this weekend.  Not literally of course.  It wasn’t like the time when I was seven and I was strolling the wondrous amusement park Cedar Point and was mesmerized by the pirate ship that I didn’t pay attention to the large marble poll I was about to so rudely make the acquaintance of head first.  (Yeah my brother laughed for a good 5 minutes while I cried and laughed at the same time.)   This is a metaphor for one of those moments where I saw the glass in front of me but for some reason I looked away and turned not soon enough and smacked right into it-leaving smudges from my face planting on the surface;-)  Yeah I really came to a realization harshly this weekend.  I s’pose I need to be knocked up side the head-metaphorically speaking-sometimes ’cause I am a fighter-I care a lot-but sometimes maybe I need to know when to walk away.  I don’t know-but I had a blast despite that one wall this weekend!  The new folks I have met in this crazy town have made my NY experience all the more wonderful-you know who you are and you’re pretty rockin’ each one of you!  Thanks=)

Peace.

Em

letting go.  being free.  I had a blast with y’all this weekend.  I am finally home and showered(I know yer all thinkin’-"thank God she was ripe";-)  NYC has been quite good for me and so have the new faces and places.  Thanks to all of you-you all are pretty rockin’-you facebook lovin’ folk=)  I am gonna try out that whole sleep thing tonight.  I hear it’s all the rage-we’ll see.  I’ll keep you posted!

After our long game of Frisbee in Central today I was thinking about my statements I had made about how I used to approach all sports.  I am still to this day quite a perfectionist about things.  When it came to sports, I could get pretty p.o.-ed with myself if I wasn’t doing as well as I thought I should.  It got so bad that I just stopped playing sports all together because I just didn’t enjoy it anymore.  Well I hated the fact that for years I would avoid any sports activities in the mere fear that perhaps I wouldn’t be good enough in my eyes or other’s eyes.  So my not playing actually made me feel even worse.  Worse than playing and getting upset with myself-I knew I was missing out.  Well, I don’t know when the day arrived but somehow I finally let go of any pride that I might have been grappling onto and I played Frisbee golf with some friends.  I would like to say that I played an amazing round and kicked some serious butt that day=)  But truthfully I was ridiculously horrible-I ended up having to hastily search for my putter in the brush more often than not.  But although I sucked hard;-) my letting go entailed that that day consisted of no anger, no huffiness, no regret and in tern was nothing but smiles and laughter and of course mostly at myself. 

Yeah I know, as usual I am using a story as a metaphor for how we face life.  Or at least how I do-but I think you all can see echoes of this in your life too.  Fear of failure, of losing, of inadequacy, or in my case not being able to throw a Frisbee for beans;-)   Ahhhh….I kid=) You know I don’t have that fear anymore ’cause I have accepted the reality that I in fact cannot throw a  Frisbee for beans;-)  We all know that just as you do, I also have other fears a bit bigger than Frisbee throwing.

That’s all I got for now.  Smile.

Peace.

Em   

A  scene is painted.  A beautiful woman from India smiles at me as I take the lone seat left in the car.  Although ear phones are used, the young lady fading in and out of sleep seems to like Prince.  Off to my left the hispanic middle aged woman reaches out and pulls gently with her left hand the face of the man beside her.  She sweetly kisses him and strokes his cheek.  I turn back toward the beautiful Indian woman and smile again and tell her "I can’t wait to get home".  She says, "me either, it’s been a long day" in her wonderful accent.  I agreed and explained that this was my stop.  As I walked away she said "goodbye" and I said "take care". 

Hmmm…. I love people watching=)  And I always enjoy meeting new faces where ever I go.  Like the sweet woman today.

Send a story my way if you can…I would love for any of you to paint a scene for me=)

Much Love.

Em

I should sleep right now-I will in a bit in fact.  My pillow beckons me-really it does, no joke.  In fact it sounds a lot like Barry White;-)  But I haven’t written in a while.  So I will write a tid bit.  As usual Em started chatting with a random stranger on the train.  (I know the third person thing is a bad sign-but at least I don’t talk to myself in the mirror-yet;-)  A soccer player-artist from Korea.  He just came over to the states a year and a half ago and his english is pretty good.  He gave me a piece of his art work!

That is all.

Sweet dreams to you.